For years, your parents took care of you and even helped with your own kids. But then something happens: Perhaps they fall or need emergency surgery; maybe they just seem more frail or forgetful. Suddenly, your parents need you. Follow this three-part action plan, and you and your parents will feel more secure about the future.
Stage 1: Plan for a Healthy Future
It’s a good idea to ask your parents about medical care, housing and finances while they’re still relatively healthy. This is the best time to secure their future. While your dad and mom may not want to acknowledge that they are getting older, you can take concrete steps to prepare.
Start a Conversation
Take the attitude that you’re getting to know your parents better, suggests Virginia Morris, author of How to Care for Aging Parents. Ask your parents the following questions:
- What are your biggest fears about your health?
- How important is it to you to continue living in this house?
- What would you want to do if you couldn’t make health decisions for yourself?
- There are four documents that every adult should have and that I may get for myself. Can I tell you about them?
Get These Documents
- A will: Your parents don’t have to tell you what it says, as long as you know where to find a copy
- Durable power of attorney (POA): This authorizes someone to act on your parents’ behalf, financially and legally, if they become incapacitated
- Health care proxy: This appoints someone to make all decisions about health care if your parents are unable to
- Living will: This deals with end-of-life issues, such as feeding tubes and respirators
Ask About Money
When the time feels right, suggest that you and your parents see a financial planner together to get a sense of whether their income matches their goals.
Stage 2: Manage a Health Crisis
If one of your parents suffers a medical emergency, follow these five steps to ensure the best care possible:
- Gather Key Documents
If your parents have put their wishes about their health care in writing, review them now. Ask that copies be included in their medical charts. - Do Your Own Research
Bring a small tape recorder or take notes whenever the doctor sees your ill parent. To save yourself endless hours searching the Internet, ask the doctor for web sites or organizations that can get you up to speed quickly. - Have a Point Person
Have him or her create a phone tree or email chain to keep everyone in the loop so you don’t have to call 20 people every night with an update. - Schedule Helpful Visits
One family member may become the main caregiver, but he or she will need help. Ask siblings to take time off from work, and when friends offer to help, sign them up for specific duties. - Stay the Course
The average hospital stay for a person older than 65 is 5.7 days, says a 2003 survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Once your parent’s health stabilizes, you’ll all have more time to make decisions.
Stage 3: Care for Your Parents Long-Term
In an emergency, the whole family wants to be involved. But as weeks and months of an illness wear on, it’s easy for one or two people to get stuck with most of the caregiving responsibilities. The average length of time parents need care is 4.3 years, according to the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC). Be prepared so you can avoid tension with other family members and still have time for your own life.
Talk Money With Your Siblings
You each may disagree on what you can afford or fall into typical roles like “bossy older sister” or “irresponsible little brother.” Remember, airing tensions can keep resentment from lingering.
- Welcome different opinions: “We need to pitch in for Mom’s care. How should we start?”
- Don’t expect everything to be equal. Typically, siblings who make the most money give more financially and those who live closest put in more hours.
Call in a Pro
A geriatric social worker can recommend what level of hands-on care your parent(s) really need. The social worker can also provide a sympathetic ear to you and your siblings.
Hire Outside Help
If there’s enough money, getting even a little extra help can make an enormous difference. These services are among the most beneficial. Look into whether your parents’ health insurance will cover any of the cost.
- Cleaning services
- Local meals-on-wheels delivery programs
- Home health aides
- Visiting nurses
- Adult day-care services
Do Your Parents Need Long-Term Care Insurance?
Long-term care (LTC) may help keep an expense like a nursing home from draining savings. Check out several policies — benefits vary greatly.
